I find it tough to swallow and accept many of the messages I receive throughout each day. My email inbox and Instagram messages are flooded with notes regarding my beauty and my strength. I often read the line “You are so strong and beautiful, how do you do it?”. And while the image I may portray most of the time is the strength and positivity I have within me, I lack to show some of the true emotions and feelings that I face each day.

I struggle. I get angry and upset. I get down and sad. I worry about my future and I sorrow about my past. I am not Superwoman. Although I am blessed and grateful for my miracle, I still feel the pain many would expect to coincide with such a life-changing event like the one I just went through.

For me, much of my focus has been based upon the idea of reassurance to my audience that I am okay. And the truth is, I am okay. But being okay doesn’t mean I am perfect. I have a great life. I live with 7 of my best friends on a college campus that brings a smile to my face every single day. I have the most beautiful home, filled with the most beautiful family. I drive a nice car and I am very fortunate for many other things I have. And while those are the visible things to many, those are not the things that define me. While my college experience looks flawless, it is not. I struggle in my classes and with managing my time. And even though my home is beautiful, the battles within it are not. I break down. I spend nights in my beautiful room upset and worried. I fight with my parents and yell at my brothers. Behind the smile I show off each day are struggles with anxiety and depression. I am not perfect. I am human. I have my highs and I have my lows. I have my laughs and I have my tears. I am thankful for my life but I am angry with it as well.

But at the end of the day I reassure myself that I am human.

To me, life is about balance. Balance your tears with laughter and balance your frustration with peace. Sometimes it may seem that your struggles outweigh your beauties- but you have to roll with the punches. The lows only make the highs that much more beautiful.

And in due time- everything will be okay.


3 thoughts on “Truth

  1. Amy Booher December 30, 2015 / 9:54 pm

    Ellie, I am so thankful for your posts… and am so blessed by your authenticity and willingness to be vulnerable. What’s weird is that I’ve been following you on IG for a while now, and when I see your smiling face, I’ve wondered if you feel similar to the way I feel at times. I battle a neurological condition called hydrocephalus, that’s required my brain to fight for my life over the past few years, and I blog about my journey through life as a young woman who looks great on the outside, loves life and pushes herself harder than is reasonable at times — but I just had my #13th and #14th brain surgeries about 2 weeks ago. Your words in this post exactly describe how I feel about being “poster child” of hydrocephalus on social media…. it’s rewarding but incredibly hard, and is a constant battle – of who you can be with who you’re with. Stay you, and be you with the ones you can let go with. If I could reach through the internet and give you a giant hug, I would tell you…… I know, honey. I know.

    That’s all. And I so appreciate this post.
    Here’s to an amazing 2016 (with no brain surgery), and here’s to the relentless pursuit of everything important. ((hugs))


  2. Sandy Knauf January 1, 2016 / 6:00 pm

    Thank you for the pleasure of reading your journey and the refreshing honesty that you bring to the balance of everyday life! You are an inspiration because of your strength, your beauty AND your humility.
    Seeing the woman you have become is a treasure! Always remember that you are amazing just being you.
    Many wishes and prayers for a blessed 2016.


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